Wal-Mart to Employees: Vote Stupid!

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Wal-Mart kicked off its new, employee “Vote Stupid” campaign recently by calling managers to mandatory meetings where they were encouraged to be, well, stupider.

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Auto industry’s surprise job boom: gas syphoning, catalytic converter boosting top list

VENICE, CA — Despite plummeting sales, plant closings and massive lay-offs, analysts say the automotive industry is actually experiencing strong job growth, fueled by a thriving smash-and-grab sector and industrious gas re-salers.

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Money shot in the arm: stimulus checks used for porn

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA — President Bush’s stimulus package is definitely doing some stimulating: According to AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), since the stimulus checks were sent out in May, many porn websites have reported membership increases of up to 30 percent.

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Man joins Victoria’s Secret thong injury lawsuit, claims thong “hurt my balls”

LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria’s Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company’s thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, claiming the same model thong “really hurt my balls.”

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McCain and Paris Hilton caught together in video

VENICE, CA — On the same day presidential hopeful John McCain likened his opponent Barak Obama to celebutant Paris Hilton, Dogtownink.com received this video (CLICK “READ ON” BELOW TO VIEW) of John McCain and Paris Hilton cavorting together, enjoying the benefits of the same Bush tax cuts for the wealthy that McCain has vowed to extend.

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Art tour canceled after David grows morbidly Goliath

VENICE, CA — David, the subject of Michelangelo’s world-renowned sculpture, may have slain Goliath back in the BC, but after a few short months on a whirlwind American art tour, he’s succumbed to a more powerful foe: double-meat double-cheese with curly fries.

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“Nature’s Viagra” watermelon placed on endangered list after Marina Del Rey riots

MARINA DEL REY, CA — The Environmental Protection Agency today placed watermelon on the endangered species list after reports that the fleshy fruit is nature’s Viagra sparked hoarding and riots in Marina Del Rey, Calif, home to the world’s largest concentration of aging horn dogs.

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Duct-tape hands-free headset spells relief for Calif. drivers

VENICE, CA — Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it’s illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. His patent-pending innovation features “jaw-strap technology” that turns your existing cellphone into a hands-free device — simply by taping it to your head.

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BOOKS

Life Taken by the Throat

“Poetry is a way of taking life by the throat” said Robert Frost. In Sharp Teeth, a novel written in the freest of free verse by Toby Barlow, poetry is evidently taking a vicious bite down to the esophagus, ripping apart bloody limbs, gnawing on bone and sinew and discarding the refuse in the trash can of a gas station bathroom.

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DOGTOWN INK

Girl with the Anime Ink

When you say someone has Japanese style tattoos, you don’t usually mean Hello Kitty — unless you’re talking about Venice, California’s Malina Huang.

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DOGTOWN INK

C’s FOR CYBELE WITH HER GOREY TATTOO

A tattoo of two children hitting each other over the head with croquet mallets graces Cybele O’Brien’s left shoulder. It’s an illustration by that master of morbid, Edward Gorey, from his book The Epiplectic Bicycle.

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